Every time I see this particular naturalist magazine, I wonder - what causes people to read it? Some of the articles bring on a condition known as “vomitus impendis,” as they describe in vivid detail the sickeningly unspeakable behaviors of anything from insects to aborigines. On both occasions that I read this magazine, I found myself ready to hurl.
Are you interested in the mating habits of the bot fly? How about the diet of the Plubanumba, a pygmy-like sub-human that inhabits the rain forests of Costa Rica? Would you like to know all the revolting details? The writers seem to discern little difference between eating the dried feces of pre-pubescent females to downing a Quarter Pounder at McDonalds. Who needs to know all of this anyway? For what it is worth, here is a slightly fictionalized example of a typical article.
We reached the Zambezian desert region in broad daylight and while the heat was oppressive, we set out immediately to find the sarcophagus beetle. These amazing insects bore holes into the blazing hot sand to protect themselves from predators. Phillips, our entomologist, found one sucking the juices from a recent kill – a black filigreed groggissthymus termite, (see photo upper right). These sand termites are huge; this was a well deserved feast for the little sarcophagus beetle, who must have fought courageously to take down his prey. Phillips told us that the brain juices of the groggissthymus are thought to have healing properties by the Tellittomees, a local tribe that lives among the rocks at the edge of the desert plain. We all took turns sampling the juice, which tasted like chicken broth.
The next day, we set out to find the Tellittomees. When we reached their habitat, the chief of the tribe welcomed us and bid us to sit on soft bags stuffed with warthog bladders. Chief Nurembega proudly showed us his collection of skulls, which the tribe saves after dining on freshly killed Bobangas, the only other inhabitants of the region.
Later, when the sun began its nightly descent, it was time for dinner. We were treated to an incredible diversity of indigenous food. Included in the feast was an appetizer of dried wax scraped from the ears of Tellittomee adolescents. The taste was remarkably like shoe polish, with a hint of blueberry - delicious. Phillips offered a pouch of dried beetles we had collected as a gesture of good will. The Tellittomees were profoundly grateful for the gift, and proceeded to have the women crush the beetles into a pasty mash that contained liver bile and thyroid glands of recently killed water buffalo. To say that it was tasty would be an understatement and the chief was visibly gladdened by our expressions of delight.
Is it me? Or is there something truly perverse about this. Well of course there is, since I am the one who wrote it, but it is not far from the real thing. I have read articles in which adventurers and scientists have eaten things that are absolutely repugnant. What do these guys eat when they are home, cows brain and fried grasshoppers? Here is a little bit more to whet your appetite.
Dessert was served in little sacks, which we learned were sun dried kidneys of wild boars. The dessert was a delectable combination of something that tasted like exotic cheese. According to one of the tribesmen, this cheese like substance is collected from the toes of the tribe’s most revered warriors, mashed together with the soft bark of the Salamabalonna, a very rare coniferous tree found in the region. The tribe believes that this mash brings favor from the gods, so we considered ourselves lucky to be served such a rare delicacy.
It was nearly dark when we bid
the Tellittomees farewell. “Unnagoddadavidda” was their word for goodbye, and we all said it, which pleased the chief greatly. We had managed to forge a bond with these highly advanced people, and that was supremely important. A mistake, even in pronunciation, could lead to serious consequences. We had all heard of the Milton/Hamilton expedition two years ago, when all nine scientists were boiled and eaten. Thankfully, we observed no boiling cauldrons present. It was a successful visit and we were both thankful and relieved when we departed. I must say, the Tellittomees surprised us with their willingness to share their local customs. It was unfortunate that we did not have the time to watch the tribesmen prepare skulls, which they offered to show us before we left, but we wanted to get back to camp before complete darkness, and there was some uncertainty among us concerning the skulls they planned to prepare. We certainly did not want to overstay our welcome.
What more could you possibly want to know? I can think of no other publication that revels in so much nauseating and useless information. And the magazine never misses an opportunity to display photographs of topless, post - menopausal women and naked youngsters. I cannot for the life of me understand their obsession with such photographs. It is reality reading at its most revolting.
Perhaps I have been overly critical. Sometimes I get carried away, though nowhere near as much as the magazine does. I suppose I owe them and their readers some apology if I have offended them in any way. So, with all due respect, “Fablungit.” That is the Tellittomee word for “Sorry.” ¨